ChuizZ's Xanga

Can you fix it?

Thu, 07 May 2009 08:51:00 GMT

"So," she implored with rounded brown eyes. "Can you fix it?" with all the unbridled earnestness of a puppy.
"How?!" I returned, exasperated. I lifted it gingerly, something crumbled & I winced. "It's in a really bad way. Where would I even start!"
"Does that matter? Just...try. Please?" The brown eyes deepened & shimmered.
"Um...well, technically if the reason it's in this condition is due to your own doing, then you'll just have to deal with it as is." I offered a crooked, contrite smile.
Slight furrow in her brow, uh oh.
Then the brown eyes shone with a spark of realisation, double uh oh.
"But...you agreed! I had your support, eventually. This is your doing too." She smiled eagerly, waiting.
I chewed my lower lip. She had a point.
I exhaled forcefully.
"Look, even if I knew how to, where would I get the parts? How do I even know if I can find it?"
The brown eyes lowered. Through the eyelashes peeked...sorrow? Pain? Remorse?
"I..." she said quietly, then trailed off.
I examined the broken & dejected heart laying before me.
"Aside from that, I don't know how long it will take. Can you wait?"
Silence.
I looked up again into the brown eyes,
but the brown eyes in the mirror had no answer...

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Tue, 05 May 2009 12:25:14 GMT

i miss u like crazy
but i promise/d to be strong. i promised this time i would use every ounce of my willpower & i am using every bloody mental & emotional resource i can muster.
fck.
so i can't even tell u that i miss u like crazy...i can't even do that...sigh.
maybe ur somewhere right this moment missing me like crazy being pushed to the boundaries of ur own willpower not to contact me on 'that' level anymore
sigh. but this is for the best. mutually, bipartisan.
i hate that. 'you can do better'. define 'better'. maybe i just let go of what was truly my 'better' in order to pursue something that better matched your 'better'.
nonono. no what ifs. it's done (for like the 3rd bloody time. it doesn't get any easier just coz u've done it before!!!) & it must stay done. at least for now. define 'for now'. how long exactly is that? please tell me. i don't know how much more of this i can take. no that's stupid. shut up. you can do it.
but i miss you...
tell me how to make it stop. i can do it if i make it stop...
i cried myself to sleep last night
is that really doing 'better'???

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 12:41:32 GMT

broken heart.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 09:58:21 GMT

hello old friend, my dear blog
my dusty repository for divulging the burdens of my secret heart
this is one of the few places where my heart has a voice
where i can speak out the truths that i can't air in real life
i neglect you terribly, but at least you're here when i can no longer bear it
it's a sad life when the situation is as such, it means you have no authentic self. or that the self u present in the 'real world' is a little short-changed. well, not that you'd know it looking at me, if i've done a good job facade-ing that is

anyway i just wanted to say
well, just share the irony of the lessons you learn in life

in the space of less than a year, i learned that
because you've lost love, you have to let someone go
but also
it's because you love, you have to let someone go

life's a bit of a bitch that way, sardonic & twisted.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:28:28 GMT

How long this hallway is, filled with gilded frames around those whose eyes judge, lined with alabaster pillars, candlelight vacillating from flickering to strong, shadows collapsed across my path.
These steps, they feel so weary, feel so measured, not my own. Tentative toes first, position witnessed on bated breath by echoing shadow feet.
How I long to shed this way of being, the figures in this life, the meaningful attachments.
A habit weighing on my angled shoulders like a cloak of layered arms that tug and slow my pace til accomplishing one step feels like a marathon of effort.

But

If I could just find the point at which it snared itself around these shoulders, unclasped it so it fell, how liberating it would feel to cast off its heavy burden. And, as it collapsed and slumped upon itself, I would gleefully observe its demise over my shoulder as I flee with a spring in my step, heedless of my direction, simply dancing a filigree course.

Remain the keystone or crumble free...

Friday, April 18, 2008

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 05:09:05 GMT

But

Please...help me to see
This is where I'm meant to be
That the path that I am on
Is where my happiness will start from

And though I'm feeling lost inside
From this darkness, I try to hide
But it's this darkness that I need
To know that shining light is me

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 12:29:12 GMT

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 11:27:48 GMT

so, Wed nights are typically family dinner nights . . .

was drinking my chinese 'herb' + chicken + abalone soup when i took a double take at the thing in my spoon , stopped drinking, put my spoon down, & asked my mummy what she put in the soup . . .
she said it was this herb thingy they have to climb precipitous mountains somewhere in China to get & they charge like $200 per tiny bundle.
well, i made her promise it was just herbs

but u tell me what that looks like...!!
yeah. exactly.
!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 12:54:04 GMT

you know those annoying people,
the ones who just have to be good at everything??
that's me
well, not really.
you see, the difference between me & them is that they have to be good at everything, but (and herein lies the difference) this motivational driving force encourages or leads to their accomplishing just that. that just makes it doubly infuriating
i'm not like that at all.
i'm not good at everything
i'm just a jack of all trades but a master of none.
and it's insufferable,
especially when you are like most born & bred asians who are programmed & trained to excel or 'lose face'
ARGH
it's so frustrating!
my so-called motivational driving force? drives me to nowhere but Impatience, Self Loathing and Inferiority Complex Central.
. . . the mind is willing but the flesh is weak . . .
i get so angry and exasperated at myself. why can't i be good at A or B or C...why aren't i good at A through to Z?! WHY?!!
is it too much to ask to be genetically programmed from birth to be good at everything? can i be genetically chipped & re-hardwired so i learn everything effortlessly? i might be able to live with myself then...
*sigh*
if i can't be good at everything, then i'll just have to learn to find solace in Mediocrity.
& i will have to contend that the only way and the closest i could ever get to 'looking down on' those infuriatingly-good-at-everything people is from my seat on Average at the highest point of the normally distributed bell curve
damn...they're so far away . . . . . . . . . . .

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 08:01:06 GMT

ok, ok, i know i'm supposed to be studying and all that ladida
i some how wound up on youtube & then some how, in spite of my arachnaphobia, wound up watching videos of spiders. i know i know, i'm a nonsensical stupidhead. let's call it morbid fascination.

but ANYWAY
it's not the national geographic vids that kill me, it's the bloody HOME video ones. it's the bloody home videos from AUSTRALIA. they're all fecking from AUSTRALIA!!! O_O

WHAT the hell. seriously WHAT THE HELL. if i woke up 2 find that above me, i'd be comatose straight away:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxHhddwxADs&NR=1

this woman is my bloody hero: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rNovsac-M8

i will - N E V E R - live in sydney. NEVER: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_0g_o_uBMg

i HATE spiders. i hate how they move. i hate their legs. i hate how their legs move!!! i especially hate how they run around on their hind legs with the front pokey legs all ready to attack!! FREAKING!!! O_O;; i hate the fat hairy fast ones.

im home by myself. can't move.
if anything so much as lightly *touches* my skin right now...i swear to hell i'll scream. scream all high-pitched and squealy and crazily in a way that gives girls a bad name. i hate doing that.

oh yeh.
ps - you are NOT allowed to use this as blackmail. if you do, i will fix you.......after i wake up from my coma